I broke up with my best friend and now I can't have sex

best friends hugging

Long story short, a few months ago, I “demoted” my best friend from bff status to regular friend status. We did make a little ceremony out of it, kind of like a little breaking up ritual to make sure we were both on the same page and we would not be confused about where we stood in relation to each other. It’s not officially a breaking up but if people ask, it’s simpler to say that we did rather than explain it in more detail than necessary.

Anyway, I saw the relationship deteriorating and frustrations were building up so this break-up ritual was premeditated and I knew we would be keeping communication between us at a minimum—we haven’t done a video call since we had our little bye bye ceremony. What I did not anticipate going forward, however, was my complete inability to have sex with strangers without my friend in my life any longer. A switch has gone off in my brain and I no longer feel like I can maintain a polyamorous lifestyle without also developing jealous insecurities towards my sexual partners.

I’ve been polyamorous ever since I became sexually active during my university days. I would have one night stands with people and not catch feelings and generally have very healthy relationships with the people whom I had more regular sex with. Sexual non-exclusivity was common for students at my college so it was pretty uncomplicated emotionally to have sex with anyone whom I did not have a committed romantic relationship with.

When I met my erstwhile best friend about 5 years ago now, I was still very sexually promiscuous and it didn’t seem back then that I would change my habits any time soon. But as I came to live with him and go to gym with him and watch TV together and do laundry together and do all the mundane domestic activities one might do with a spouse. I realized that I was getting a very deep emotional need fulfilled in a way I hadn’t before. Certainly not with any of my sexual partners. I still continued to sleep around with other people while he of course was in a relationship with his then girlfriend at the time. I never caught feelings for the people I had sex with. I think it was because I felt so emotionally sated whenever I returned home to my happy family of lovely housemates that I never lacked for the emotional need to be fulfilled by anyone else. It didn’t matter than most of these men I was sleeping with were keeping their relationship with me a secret. Some of them are probably not out or are closeted bisexuals unwilling to be seen holding hands with another man in public. But as long as I had my best friend, I felt safe and didn’t need for any of my sexual partners to be anything more than what they were to me: pwifs.

When the contract on our property came to an end, we moved back to our respective universities to finish our courses. But we visited each other quite often and would videocall one another at least once a week.

Last year, we decided to live together again. So we became housemates, again. And we, as you would expect, became closer than ever before. It’s at this point that I think it’s worth mentioning that him and I were never in a sexual relationship. We had a very intimate and domestic partnership, certainly. And we would be emotionally very vulnerable with each other. And he understood me like no other. But we were not sexually compatible with each other. And, at least at that point, I still thought I was polysexual or polyamorous or polyromantic or whatever you want to call it.

Fast forward 5 months from when we parted ways, and I no longer have the appetite to have sex with anyone I don’t already have a prior emotional connection with. What I’ve realized is that my former best friend was fulfilling the roles of emotional confidant, domestic partner, co-cook, intellectual sparring companion and all the needs you’d expect a spouse to fill—barring the sex, of course. And because of this, I had grown to be dependent on him in way I didn’t need to expect from my sexual partners, which enabled me to have no strings attached relationships with the people I was having sex with.

But now I cannot have sex so casually anymore. This time when I go on grindr or any sort of dating app, I find myself hungering not for sexual gratification but for companionship. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to fill the hole left by this very important person in my life. I want someone who can believe in me and who will be loyal to me. I want someone to need me in the same way that I will need them. I want someone I can be seen in public with. The thought that I can simply share a bed with a man one moment and then be treated like I’m disposable the next is simply unthinkable to me now. The thought that I have to keep my relationships secret and under the covers is so unbearable. Why would I subject myself to that kind of humiliation. My sense of self has become too brittle for that now. I no longer have a wellspring of trust, love, and understanding to keep my heart supple before the fickle hearts of men who want nothing but a long-term long-distance, low-commitment, casual relationship from me. I don’t want to be someone’s secret anymore. It actually hurts to be thought of that way. “You’re so pretty but you’re not pretty enough for me to be seen in public with.”

Looking back, it’s making me realize how unfair it was of me to put such a heavy emotional burden on a relationship that was not equipped to handle such a load. But a load-bearing relationship it was. And now I don’t have my best friend in my life anymore, I can’t fuck.